


The Compendium of Derek Venturi

by MoreThanOneInterest



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Character Development, F/M, Post-Graduation, blue screen Casey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:54:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28776393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoreThanOneInterest/pseuds/MoreThanOneInterest
Summary: Derek Venturi. He's annoying, he's conceited, he's repulsive.He's my step brother.And as his step sister, I feel it is my duty to explain to the world what the entity is that I like to refer to as "the biggest societal leech known to man".A concise manual as told by his arch nemesis: Casey McDonald.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	The Compendium of Derek Venturi

**Author's Note:**

> Another spawn from my brain at early hours in the morning. First time writing from Casey's perspective (since I'm usually so Derek-centric), and it's the first time I've written in first person in many, many years. Hopefully it doesn't read too weirdly, because I'm not used to this whole first-person-narration.
> 
> But, I hope you enjoy, because it was fun and goofy to write.

**The Compendium of Derek Venturi**  
by  
Casey McDonald

...

 **Introduction:**  
What is Derek Venturi?

Derek Venturi. He's annoying, he's conceited, he's repulsive.

He's my step brother.

And as his step sister, I feel it is my duty to explain to the world what the entity is that I like to refer to as "the biggest societal leech known to man". He contributes nothing to the world, but expects everyone to treat him like he's the Queen of England.

If you've ever felt like going on a homicidal rampage before, then you'll understand where I'm coming from. There's no other way to describe the utter hatred I feel for him, and others need to understand why they should, too, despise him.

Before we begin, let's get one thing straight. No one _lives_ with Derek. Sure, they can cohabitate the same house as him, they can navigate through all of his garbage lying around the said house, and they can even share the same refrigerator as him - if he doesn't get there before you and eat all of the groceries you bought for yourself the day before.

But _nobody_ lives with Derek.

Trust me. I've tried. I've tried for the past four years of my life. And once I realized it's a losing battle, I even tried to _understand_ him. I tried to understand what makes him tick. I've tried to understand why he acts the way he acts.

But it's _still_ a losing battle.

He has only one goal in life, and that's to get whatever he wants. He doesn't even care about the other people around him who he has to knock off the ladder of life to do it.

It just so happens that, sometimes, what he wants can actually be quite admirable.

Did I say admirable? I meant reprehensible. He's selfish, self-centred, and... and somehow quite charming. _Very_ charming.

But not in a good way! He knows just how to charm anyone into giving him what he wants.

Me? I'm the exception. I will _never_ give Derek Venturi what he wants. He doesn't deserve anything. Especially from me.

In this Derek Venturi Manual, I will outline what Derek is _really_ like. And how to handle him. While I'm no 'Derek Expert', I'm the closest thing there is to it. From my experience, there's never a reason not to be prepared for dealing with Derek. He's not what everyone thinks he is.

He's worse. So much worse. He's like that kid in kindergarten who hordes all of the blue crayons just to get on your nerves, so you're forced to colour your eyes purple instead of their natural colour. And you're reminded everyday of his antics because your mother hangs the portrait on the fridge until you're ten. And it imbeds a sense of loathing toward him daily.

Even though that never actually happened, it's something he would do.

He throws parties while your parents are out, and then when you think he's being super kind and uncharacteristically sweet, he flips one on you and you're reminded at how much of an utter ass-hole he actually is.

Because he is. He's an ass-hole. That's the best word I can think that encompasses his entire being.

Derek-The-Ass-Hole. Yeah. I like the ring of that.

Let's begin with something I'm sure everyone is familiar with: Girls.

* * *

 **Section One:**  
Girls and Derek

While it's no surprise that Derek is a womanizer, it might surprise people that he's actually quite awkward when it comes to them.

Exhibit A: Kendra.

Although the outside world might think that they were some smooth, ultimate popularity power couple, it couldn't be further than the truth. She turned him into a bumbling idiot who could barely even form full sentences.

And even though it was sweet, he had no clue what he was doing.

And neither did Kendra.

And they were barely even committed, which pretty much sums up Derek's position with any girl he ever dates. He will never _ever_ commit to anyone who isn't himself. Which only proves my point that he is a leech.

And then there was Sally. While we all thought (and hoped and prayed) Sally was going to be 'the one', he managed to screw up monumentally by letting her slip through his fingers. I mean, who just gives up on a relationship because she's moving away?

I, for one, would try and make a long-distance relationship work for as long as possible if I really loved that person. And I will never blame Sally for what happened between them. She was willing.

Derek? He wasn't.

And that brings me to his next relationship. With my best friend.

Ugh, that one was pretty unbearable. I know, I know. I pretended to be pretty cool with it. I mean, Emily practically worshipped the ground he walked on, and I wanted her to be happy.

It still doesn't justify that he didn't like her at all. Okay, I'll give him a little credit. Maybe he liked her _a smidgen_. But he definitely didn't plan on making it last with her. She was just an opportunity to go to Prom with an attractive girl, and then dump her a month later because they were moving to different cities. And I have to admit, when they broke up, I was kind of glad. I was glad that he didn't string her along too long, because, well, I care about Emily. She's my best friend, and I can't stand her throwing away her life for such a douche that is my step brother.

I'd like to point out that the girls I have mentioned here are only a few of the many, many girls he has pursued over the years. These are just the ones that lasted more than twenty minutes.

He will never take any girl seriously, for the rest of his life.

I chalk it all up to his first relationship with a woman: His mother.

While I don't know the exact details concerning his parent's divorce, I'm fairly certain that he doesn't hold his mother with much high esteem. I mean, she left them. She left them while he was young and vulnerable and I get where he's coming from. I get why he has trust issues and why he's guarded and he doesn't like physical intimacy.

I get it. I really do. It's the same reason I'm so cautious and awkward with guys.

Now, does that justify his constant mistreatment of women? No. No it does not.

But I'm willing to say this about him: it explains why he's wary about commitment. The one woman who honestly, truly mattered in his life let him down. In a big way. So it's only understandable that he'd have girl issues. His mother wasn't around to teach him the in's-and-out's of girls. He learned it 'the fun way on the old couch', so that's the only way he knows girls: as sex symbols. I find it revolting.

A girl should be treated with respect. Her body is like a flower: beautiful and blossoming. But if it's yanked too hard or manhandled in the least, it withers and dies.

Lets just say that Derek is on the manhandling side of life.

I'm not saying that he's ultimately rough, and bad with all girls. Contrary to the picture I've been painting of him, he's not exactly a monster. While he may be rough, he's incredibly in tune to other people's feelings. I should know, because I've experienced it first hand.

He gets all flustered and quite terrified when someone's 'aura' is slightly off. He pretends to ignore it and builds up a stupid, steely exterior that only the trained eye can see through.

I have one of those trained eyes. It took quite a while in obedience school, but I have acquired it, nonetheless.

He's concerned for others, and I suppose that's his saving grace. As much as he is a troublemaker and focused solely on himself, he has some rare moments where he can be utterly selfless.

Examples, you may ask?

Here's one from a few months ago:

That party that Truman invited me to in Toronto.

I admit, it was one of the worst nights of my life (right under my parents' divorce, and finding out my mom was getting remarried).

But Derek... He kind of saved me. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but if he hadn't been there for me in my hour of need, and put aside his own interests, then I would probably still be in Toronto to this day, crying in a stranger's living room.

See what I mean? Selfless.

And there was that time when my Dad came for a visit. And Derek called him and sorted out my problems before he even tried to sort out his own problems. (Kendra, at the time).

And when he exposed Scott, Lizzie's soccer coach, who was dating me, and four other girls at the same time.

He's confusing... Just when I think there can't be a chivalrous bone in his attractive, athletic-build body, he turns into an actual decent human being.

Wait. What am I saying?

This is not about how nice Derek can be! This is how _terrible_ he is!

Because for every one time that Derek is human, there are a hundred times that he is a monster.

Like, just his nickname before I met him is enough to counteract all of the decent things he's done. "Triple D"? Come on! It's terrible! He cheated on three girls at once. And he even cheated on Kendra.

Well, not _technically_. I ratted him out and made him do the right thing.

Because I'm a nice human being. A kind human being. A human being who hates the suffering of other human beings. Well, other than Derek. I could watch him suffer all day.

Where was I, again?

Oh yeah. Girls.

The only girl that I've seen Derek be completely civil with has been Marti. I gotta admit, the bond he has with his little sister is incredibly adorable.

Um, I mean, it's nice. N-nothing about D-Derek is adorable. Well, maybe his smile is, and that's all. Ugh, I'm a girl, okay? I have a pulse, and I can recognize cute on command. And that grin of his is pretty cute. Smile aside, the other parts of him are... are... disgusting...?

Yeah. Yeah, Derek is disgusting.

Phew, glad I cleared _that_ up.

Anyway, girls.

What I'm trying to get at here, is that Derek is hopelessly unable to keep a steady girlfriend. Even if she happens to be perfect for him, he intentionally screws it all up. It's like a sick game of his to keep people at arms length so he'll never get hurt again, like the way his mother hurt him. He doesn't like to admit he has feelings at all, but he gets hurt just like anybody else. And if he manages to keep them _just_ far enough away, he won't get stung.

It's okay to get stung, though. It's just a part of life. A sucky part of life, but everyone goes through it. It's all a part of growing up.

Will he ever come to this realization on his own? I doubt it. It would take a lot of prodding from the right people, but we don't have an eternity here.

I guess, maybe - and that's a big maybe - if he met the right girl and let his guard down, then he could change. But until then, I'll be sitting back, waiting and dodging his next attack on me. He tends to do that.

What should we cover next?

Maybe, we should tackle Hockey.

* * *

 **Section Two:**  
Hockey and Derek

Derek's one-true-love is, and always will be, Hockey.

While he likes girls, none of them ever compare to, or could ever be as important to him, as hockey.

It's a sanctuary to him, where he releases stress by body checking other guys into walls and slams pucks with sticks and...

...And it just makes no sense. I'll never understand why he likes hockey as much as he does. It's not like it's relaxing. Not like dance. Dance is releasing. It makes you feel like you can fly. Just turn on some music, and you're whisked away to whole other dimensions, where nothing in the world can touch you.

Hockey... Hockey is violent and crass and the people who watch it are rude and drink beer and get in fist fights. Like, ew.

My dad likes hockey. A lot. It was one of the factors that led to my parents' separation. I couldn't stand hockey, and the older I got, the more readily I realized I inherited that from my mother.

It was a big hot topic when I was growing up, so the thought of it brings up terrible memories and gives me an unwanted sinking feeling.

But this isn't about me.

It's about Derek.

I guess he likes hockey because he's got all this pent up rage that he's not allowed to release in any other situation. Lets face it: men just have a weird instinct to hit stuff. It probably started with the Neanderthals, and the invention of 'the stick'. Derek is no exception. So I guess it's good that they all congregate and play sports so they can get that prehistoric instinct worked out before they come home and do nothing.

Because after hockey, Derek does nothing. He comes in the house and plops down on that revolting chair in front of the television, and watches more hockey.

And it doesn't matter if I'm in the middle of my favourite shows, or someone else is watching something, Derek takes control.

The world revolves around the sun. It takes 365 days to do so, but Derek believes that it does that for him. Like if he were to suddenly drop off the face of the Earth (which wouldn't be a terrible occurrence), then the whole world would just stop spinning altogether, and life on Earth would cease to exist.

He actually believes that. He might as well change his name to God, because that's what he wants, anyway.

Okay, that was kind of harsh. He doesn't believe he's God exactly. Maybe just some minor one. The god of Hockey and Misery. I wouldn't be surprised.

But I gotta say it's good that there is something that Derek likes, even if it is the world's most ludicrous sport. Everyone needs something. His just happens to annoy me immensely. And it gets him out of the house for many hours a week, which is always a plus. It gives me a few moments of peace, and personal space.

Which reminds me.

* * *

 **Section Three:**  
Space and Derek

When it comes to Derek, there is no such thing as 'personal space'. It's a concept that everyone in the world has heard of, but he's chosen to ignore that part of common decency.

And it's not just the fact that he openly disobeys this universal law by stepping into others' space. He expects everyone to stay out of his.

I think that is the very definition of 'hypocrite'.

I can't tell you how annoying it is to have a person walk into your bedroom anytime they please without asking permission just because the door is open.

Sure, there's the occasion where he will knock, but most of the time, it's all 'guns blazing' and a sad impersonation of Clint Eastwood and those swinging saloon doors.

Not only does he not respect the sanctity of one's bedroom, he also does not care if he gets too close to you physically.

Like at school? I'll just be standing there, or walking down the hall, and there he is: right beside me. And a lot of the time, it comes with a jab, or an arm around me, or a stupid bump into the lockers. Not to mention the numerous times he throws things at me or shoves me when I have food in my hands and makes me spill everything, everywhere.

He's honestly terrible. It's like he knows that my heart flutters when he touches me, and he does it in spite.

...Not that my heart flutters. It's more of a gut-wrenching nausea sensation, because I can't stand being close to him. No flutters there.

Ugh, forget it. Something _does_ happen inside of me when he's close. I've decided it's because I don't like his company. I don't! It's just that sometimes I can forget he's my brother. Step brother. Whatever.

But to get back on topic, he's incredibly annoying. He likes to pick fights, and I've gotten into more physical rows with him than I care to admit. He finds something to hold over your head and hangs it there and teases you until you snap and go absolutely berserk!

And before you know it, you're rolling around on the floor with him, with shampoo in your hair, and can't see a damn thing.

He throws dust in your face so you cough and wheeze for days.

He dumps yogurt on your head while you're innocently watching television.

No common decency whatsoever.

While I admit that - sometimes, rarely - I find it fun, I also find it impossibly immature. Could he just grow up already and realize I'm a lady that deserves to be treated like one?

He would beg to differ, but his opinion doesn't matter. Not in the least...

* * *

 **Section Four:**  
Business and Derek

I'm pretty sure Derek knows his business, and he knows what - and whose - business is none of his. He likes to seek out other individual's problems and make them his own. Well, he likes to make sure he has input.

He doesn't know how to butt out once something has piqued his interest.

I could offer countless examples of when Derek butted into my life, but I guess the most obvious ones is when he decides to interfere with my relationships, and my passions.

Sam? That was mental. Would Derek mind his own business and just let me date him? Of course not. He just had to fight him, and then proceed to pretend and date my best friend just to get on my nerves! How psychotic is that?

That's not even the worst example I can think of.

He had the audacity of changing all of my sixteenth birthday party plans. I'm pretty sure he was the cause of my appendicitis, also. _Somehow_ , he made it happen. I'm positive. He probably put in an order to God or something, to absolutely ruin the best day of my life.

Let's just say that I can't stand it when he bothers me. And let's just say that he does that almost ninety-eight percent of the time. It's like I'm always stepping around him, and having to shove him back. He's always on my trail, looking ahead to see what else he can poke his nose into.

There's no stopping him, either. I've tried my hardest, but no matter how often you lock your door, he always seems to find a way in, and stands there looking smug as he stares at you to challenge him.

Maybe he bugs me so much because he knows I won't back down. Usually, I'm quite mature about arguments. I'm able to let them pass without a fight.

But with Derek?

It's like he knows I'll fight back. He knows I think he's a terrible human being, and I'm the only one in his life who has the courage to stand up to him. If it weren't for me, he'd probably be the biggest Tyrant of all History. People should thank me, really. It's because of my persistence to put him back into place that he hasn't restored slavery in the western world.

And he's so conniving! Everything he does is premeditated. He sits in his room, rubbing his evil little hands together, planning schemes that will benefit him, and only him.

Which brings me to my next point.

* * *

 **Section Five:**  
Intelligence and Derek

I think what bothers me the most about Derek is that he's a total sham. I'm not just talking about his personality, here.

I'm talking about his brain.

I know that I would never audibly admit that I think Derek is smart. Most of the time, he's an idiot.

But he's an ingenious idiot.

Here's the thing: Derek is one of the smartest people I know. I know that sounds like absolute bull crap, but it's the truth. It's just that he uses all of those grey cells to pull pranks and store useless information, like how many bottles of pop it takes to burp the entire alphabet.

If he would just use his brain for good, he could go really far in the world. And this isn't something I'm just making up. He managed to pull up his marks in grade eleven from _failure_ to _honour roll_. In under a month. And that means he absolutely _aced_ his final exams. To go from an F to a B+? Please. I don't think I could even do that. Not without drugs.

So when I say Derek is the smartest person I know, I mean it. It just makes me angry that he doesn't do something with his brain.

He could be a world-famous lawyer. Or a top-paid surgeon. Or even one of those people who crack codes and topple governments over the phone.

I wish he would apply himself. Stop being useless, and contribute already.

But then again, it might be a terrible idea... Not for him. For... other females that have to cohabitate with him. Certain females who already have a hard time pretending they don't have feelings for him.

If he was smart, too? God, I'd be lost. The only thing that keeps me from falling head over heels for him is his utter uselessness.

Um... I can't believe I just said that. I have to cut that part out later. Oh my God, if he ever found out I was attracted to him, he would literally kill me. Kill me from embarrassment and teasing. I would never live it down.

I-I _don't_ like Derek. I don't even tolerate him.

He's mean, he's a jerk, and he's a moron. (A loveable moron).

Stop it! Get your head out of the clouds, McDonald! He is your _step brother_. Think of the scandal!

Yeah, I've thought about the scandal.

Has he?

Probably not. He's made it clear that I am the bane of his existence and he would like nothing more than to have me completely disappear.

Maybe I should. It would be easier for everyone.

It would be easier going forward. That's for sure.

Because in a few days, Derek and I are moving out. Together. We're going to the same stupid school in the same stupid city.

Oh, and did I mention he chose the same major as me? He did it out of pure malice, just to make me squirm. He did it so he'll be in all of my classes so he can leech onto me and make sure my life is a living hell for the next four years of my life. When he threatened to do it when we graduated, I didn't think he would actually follow through.

Boy, I was wrong.

Which brings me, finally, to the purpose of writing this stupid manual.

* * *

 **Section Six:**  
Living and Derek

Like I've said before: no one lives with Derek. I wish you could live with him. Life would be so simple if we all just got along and went about our lives together, kindly passing each other by, and mutually coexisting.

Derek makes that impossible. You don't simply _coexist_ with Derek. The definition of Derek is _war_ , and it will never stop until an atomic bomb will go off and you finally sit down and discuss a peace treaty. I'm waiting for the nuclear explosion. And I'm hoping it will come soon. Because at the rate we're going, the world is going into a state of apocalyptic frenzy, and something needs to happen fast if we're ever going to make things right.

Sometimes I lay away thinking about what life with Derek could be. Obviously, he'll always be in my life, whether or not I want him to be. Just... it's hard to imagine a life where we just... ignored each other.

Our fates are interwoven. I know this, because no matter how hard I try to envision myself _away_ from him _permanently_ , I shudder and writhe.

I hate to admit it, but I need him.

You know how I said I was a necessary force in his life to keep him from world destruction? He's kind of like the same force in mine.

It's complicated.

Right now, he's in his bedroom beside mine. All day, we've been packing up our things, and crying - well, I've been crying. I'm going to live all on my own for the very first time. It's scary.

And I guess I'm kind of glad Derek is coming with me. I've already admitted I can't picture a life without him in it. I'm just curious as to what it's going to look like.

* * *

 **Section Seven:**  
The Future and Derek

I'm not going to pretend I haven't tried planning my future. At one point in high school, I had the next twenty years of my life mapped out, and it started with college. It started when I would move out of the McDonald-Venturi residence and start living on my own.

And it got pretty detailed.

It had the exact day I was planning on getting married, just so you get how freakishly detailed this thing was.

I can remember the exact moment that I tore it up and threw it out. And I know it's going to sound cliche, but it was the night after Truman cheated on me.

I didn't tear it up because of Truman.

I tore it up because of Derek.

To be honest, it was the best decision of my life. And, I'm glad it all happened. Otherwise, I would probably still be clutching on to that version of my life, and transitioning into adulthood with terribly unrealistic expectations.

Derek showed me that life is unpredictable.

I thought I was going to be with Truman for a while. At least through the first year of college. I was wrong, and now I understand that life is a mystery.

You have no clue when someone is going to get up and cheat on you with your cousin.

You have no clue when the bane of your existence is going to defend you.

Derek showed his quality that night. And I'm glad he did.

I have no clue what the future might hold.

The moment I move into my dorm at Queens, I might completely forget about Derek entirely. Or he might become the closest ally, and best friend I could ever dream of.

It's a toss up.

I'd like to say that we'll act like completely civilized people on our own, but I know that's a far stretch.

I... I want to stay close to Derek. And... and he wants to stay close to me. At least, that's what I've figured. Or else he'd be in Bermuda right now, lounging on a beach somewhere, tax-free.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Like I said, the future is unpredictable.

Because even though you can't predict something like Derek taking a stand in my honour, I can most definitely predict all the stunts and pranks he's going to pull on me when he has no parents around to punish him.

I'm just going to have to get better at the whole discipline thing.

And he'll have to get better at the whole consolation thing, too. Because I already know I'm going to get very homesick.

But until that happens - until things change between us - I'll be watching my every step.

Because Derek is complex. He's unpredictable and always surprising me.

And I'll just have to learn how to Live with Derek.

* * *

_Fin._


End file.
